- Love is a deep feeling of affection, care and attachment toward someone, combined with a desire for their wellbeing.
- Psychologists often describe love as a mix of intimacy, passion and commitment.
- Neuroscience links love to the brain's reward and bonding systems, including dopamine and oxytocin.
- Infatuation is intense and fast; mature love is steadier and includes knowing someone as they really are.
“What is love?” is one of the most searched questions on the internet, and one of the oldest questions people have asked. Poets, philosophers, scientists and songwriters have all tried to answer it. The truth is that love isn’t one single thing. It’s a feeling, a set of behaviors, a biological process and a choice, all at once.
This guide brings together the clearest definitions of love, what psychology and neuroscience have discovered, the different types of love and how to tell love apart from infatuation and attachment. Just want a fun score for you and your crush? Try the Love Calculator.
The definition of love
Dictionaries usually define love as a strong feeling of affection and care for someone, often combined with attraction and a desire to be close to them. Merriam-Webster, for example, describes love as a strong affection arising from kinship or personal ties, as well as attraction based on desire, and as warm attachment or devotion.
A practical definition many psychologists would agree with is this: love is a deep emotional bond with someone, involving affection, care, a desire for closeness and a genuine wish for their wellbeing. In romantic relationships, that bond usually includes attraction and commitment too.
What separates love from simply liking someone is depth and investment. When you love someone, their happiness matters to you almost as much as your own, and you’re willing to put in effort over time.
What psychology says about love
Sternberg’s triangular theory of love
One of the best-known models comes from psychologist Robert Sternberg, who proposed in 1986 that love has three components:
- Intimacy: closeness, connection and feeling understood.
- Passion: attraction, romance and physical desire.
- Commitment: the decision to stay together and maintain the relationship.
Different combinations create different kinds of love. Intimacy alone is liking; passion alone is infatuation; commitment alone is “empty love.” When all three are present, Sternberg called it consummate love. We cover all seven combinations in types of love.
Love as attachment
Attachment researchers see adult romantic love as an extension of the bond between infants and caregivers. In the 1980s, Cindy Hazan and Phillip Shaver found that adults show patterns of closeness and separation distress with partners that mirror childhood attachment. This is why your attachment style can shape how you experience love.
Love as a set of behaviors
Many therapists emphasize that love isn’t only a feeling but something you do: listening, showing up, apologizing, supporting and choosing someone repeatedly. Feelings rise and fall; loving actions keep relationships going during the low points.
What neuroscience says about love
Anthropologist Helen Fisher and colleagues used brain scans to study people who were newly in love. They found activity in the brain’s reward system, particularly areas rich in dopamine, the chemical linked to motivation and pleasure. This helps explain why early love can feel euphoric, focused and even a little obsessive.
Fisher proposed that romantic love involves three overlapping brain systems:
- Lust: sexual desire, linked to hormones like testosterone and estrogen.
- Attraction: focused romantic interest, linked to dopamine and norepinephrine.
- Attachment: calm, secure bonding, linked to oxytocin and vasopressin.
These systems can operate somewhat independently, which is why you can feel attracted to someone you’re not attached to, or deeply attached to someone you no longer feel strong passion for. We go deeper into this in the psychology of love.
Is love an emotion?
Researchers debate this. Some classify love as an emotion; others argue it’s better described as a motivational state or drive, more like hunger than like anger or joy, because it pushes us toward a specific person and goal. Most agree that love involves many emotions, including happiness, longing, jealousy and tenderness. Read more in is love an emotion?.
The different types of love
The ancient Greeks had several words for love, and the categories are still useful:
- Eros: romantic, passionate love.
- Philia: deep friendship and loyalty.
- Storge: family love and familiarity.
- Agape: selfless, unconditional love for others.
- Ludus: playful, flirtatious love.
- Pragma: mature, practical, long-lasting love.
- Philautia: love of self, in both healthy and unhealthy forms.
Most real relationships combine several of these. A long marriage might begin with eros and ludus, then grow into pragma and philia over the years.
Love vs infatuation
Infatuation is intense attraction, often to someone you don’t know well. It can feel like love, but it tends to be fast, idealized and focused on how the person makes you feel. Love develops over time and includes knowing someone’s flaws and caring for them anyway.
- Infatuation: sudden, consuming, based on fantasy, often anxious.
- Love: gradual, steady, based on reality, generally secure.
When infatuation becomes obsessive, with intrusive thoughts and an intense need for the other person to return your feelings, psychologists call it limerence. When it becomes controlling or all-consuming, it can turn into obsessive love.
Being in love vs loving someone
“Being in love” usually describes the passionate, giddy phase early in a relationship. “Loving someone” describes a deeper, steadier commitment. Many long-term couples say the first fades somewhat while the second grows. That isn’t a sign that love has died; it’s a sign it has matured. We explore this in being in love vs loving someone.
What does love feel like?
People describe love differently, but common experiences include:
- Wanting to share good news with them first
- Feeling calm and safe in their presence
- Caring about their happiness as much as your own
- Accepting their flaws without wanting to change them completely
- Thinking of a future that includes them
- Feeling more like yourself, not less
For a fuller answer, read what love feels like.
How people express love
People give and receive love in different ways. The popular “love languages” framework lists five: words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, acts of service and physical touch. Research hasn’t found strong evidence that matching love languages predicts relationship success, but the idea can be a helpful conversation starter. Take the Love Language Test or read about the physical touch love language.
How love changes over time
Love rarely stays the same across a long relationship. Researchers who study couples often describe a shift from passionate love, which is intense, exciting and focused on desire, to companionate love, which is warm, secure and focused on friendship and commitment. Passion often peaks in the early months or years and then levels off, while intimacy and commitment can keep growing.
This shift isn’t a failure. Many couples who have been together for decades describe their love as deeper and more satisfying than it was at the start, even if it’s less dramatic. Studies have also found that some long-married couples still show brain activity linked to romantic love when looking at photos of their partner, which suggests passion doesn’t have to disappear entirely. Novelty, shared adventures and continued curiosity about each other seem to help keep it alive. If things have gone flat, our guide to getting the spark back has practical ideas.
Self-love and why it matters
Self-love isn’t vanity. It means treating yourself with the same basic kindness and respect you’d offer someone you care about. People with a stable sense of self-worth tend to set healthier boundaries, choose partners who treat them well and leave relationships that don’t. Low self-worth, by contrast, can make it easier to accept mistreatment or cling to relationships out of fear. Building self-love often looks unglamorous: keeping promises to yourself, speaking to yourself kindly and investing in friendships and interests that are yours.
What love is not
Because love is so powerful, it’s sometimes used to excuse harmful behavior. Healthy love doesn’t involve:
- Control over who you see, what you wear or how you spend money
- Constant jealousy or monitoring
- Fear of your partner’s reactions
- Cycles of cruelty followed by intense affection
These patterns can create a powerful bond, but it’s closer to a trauma bond than to love. If any of this sounds familiar, the Red Flag Test is a private place to start.
Is love real?
Some people wonder whether love is “just chemicals.” It’s true that love has a biological basis, but that doesn’t make it less real. Every experience you have, from enjoying music to feeling grief, involves brain chemistry. Love also has clear, observable effects: people in supportive relationships tend to report better wellbeing, and strong social bonds are linked to better health and longer lives. Read more in is love real?.
How to find and keep love
There’s no formula, but research and experience point in the same direction. Be open, choose kindness, pay attention to how people treat you over time, and work on your own patterns. Long-lasting love tends to grow between people who are consistent, respectful and willing to repair after conflict. If you’re feeling discouraged, our guide to will I ever find love is a good next read, and the Soulmate Calculator is there for a lighter moment.
Frequently asked questions
What is the simplest definition of love?
Love is a deep emotional bond with someone that involves affection, care, a desire for closeness and a genuine wish for their wellbeing.
What are the three components of love?
According to psychologist Robert Sternberg, love is made of intimacy, passion and commitment.
What chemicals are involved in love?
Dopamine and norepinephrine are linked to attraction, while oxytocin and vasopressin are linked to bonding and attachment.
What is the difference between love and infatuation?
Infatuation is fast, intense and idealized. Love develops over time and includes knowing and accepting someone as they really are.
How many types of love are there?
Different frameworks list different numbers. The ancient Greeks described about seven types, and Sternberg's theory also describes seven combinations.